Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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