HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
