Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
