Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
