Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
