Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
