Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
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hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.