im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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