They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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