The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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