i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
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I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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