last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
