i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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