Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
