my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize