That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
