For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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