she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
