Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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