The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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