You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
