I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just had sex bonerless
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
