i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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