I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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