3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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