Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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