her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
