What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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