hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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