Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
