I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
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BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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