LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize