i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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