ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
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Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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