Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
it's like iHOP with fire
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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