remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
