As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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