just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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