i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
