Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
