I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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