I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
