lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
