look no pants
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
