onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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