Don't you send me to vm
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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