I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
