I smell stomach acid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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