Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
