some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
