his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
