The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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