Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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