All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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