I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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