How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
