I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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