I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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